Mothering or Living Vicariously? Touchy subject.
The other day, we met a mother and her two daughters (exactly Fiona and Alex's ages) at a library function. Oh, they were adorable...all blonde hair and blue eyes, cute as could be. They all three sparkled with intelligence and enthusiasm. The mother shared with me that she is about to attempt homeschooling for the first time ever. She's really excited about it, but she quickly clarified that she was surprising friends and even herself, because she's never been a person to live through her kids. Of course, now, that would be absolutely pathetic!
Yesterday, while having coffee with my future sister-in-law, I related that I was thinking of not renewing my massage malpractice, as I don't really think that I want to do that anymore. She asked, "What will you do?", and I was relieved to be able to say that I was planning to write a second novel this fall. As if being a mom and homemaker are not enough! Well, in my case, homemaking skills are rather dubious, but still!
You know, though, the kids are not happy about my writing. Fiona made me swear that I wouldn't write a novel this summer, and, when I told them I was planning another book for the fall, Alex moaned, "Aww...we never get to do anything when you're writing!" They're right...things are not as good for them when I'm working or writing. I am completely content in my writing bouts, though, as I think it's good for them not to see themselves as the absolute center of my universe 100% of the time...especially since the bouts are temporary blips. Oh, and I'm content because I want to do it for me, and it's true that I don't spend 100% of my time focused on them. (I'm okay with saying that, but is it really an attribute?)
Why is it that we see mothering and homemaking as less than optimal? Is our world-view so egocentric that each person needs to 'prove' him or herself with a paycheck or productive end product? Oh, and is it politically incorrect to actually view your own kids as the ultimate end product? Of course, in my case, the kids are at school during the day in the school year, so I feasibly do have some time to 'work'. However, how great would it be if I were an incredibly industrious mother who prepared fantastic meals and cleaned the home thoroughly, gardened and sewed and all such? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had such fabulous mothers?
Why is it that we see mothering and homemaking as less than optimal? Is our world-view so egocentric that each person needs to 'prove' him or herself with a paycheck or productive end product? Oh, and is it politically incorrect to actually view your own kids as the ultimate end product? Of course, in my case, the kids are at school during the day in the school year, so I feasibly do have some time to 'work'. However, how great would it be if I were an incredibly industrious mother who prepared fantastic meals and cleaned the home thoroughly, gardened and sewed and all such? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had such fabulous mothers?
No, I'm not that mother, but I find it sad that I want to be able to claim 'work' in order to justify my time. Making the home nice and planning education and activities for the kids are not only admirable, but optimal!
And...even as pitiful as my cleaning might be, it's still a sight better than when I worked. When I worked, I was generally tired and snappish at the kids, but I almost never felt judgment about my less-than-optimal parenting coming from others. In fact, the kids' lovely daycare would have 'Mom appreciation' breakfasts and crafts, which were incredibly sweet (and I wholeheartedly approve!).
Anyhow, this is not meant as a criticism of mothers' working, just as a remark on the sadness of our disapproval of the stay-at-home-mom. When your child does something well, shouldn't your eyes shine with pride? When he or she masters a new skill or discovers a new interest, shouldn't we be avid supporters? There seems to be an inference that somehow we're going to 'squelch' them by imposing our own interests, but my experience is that kids of busy parents don't get as much of a chance to explore their own interests. They're kept 'busy' and 'occupied' by daycares. While some of the better ones may provide stimulating educational and fun experiences, the children have far less flexibility than those who have a stay-at-home mom who is willing to cart them to activities.
Anyhow, this is not meant as a criticism of mothers' working, just as a remark on the sadness of our disapproval of the stay-at-home-mom. When your child does something well, shouldn't your eyes shine with pride? When he or she masters a new skill or discovers a new interest, shouldn't we be avid supporters? There seems to be an inference that somehow we're going to 'squelch' them by imposing our own interests, but my experience is that kids of busy parents don't get as much of a chance to explore their own interests. They're kept 'busy' and 'occupied' by daycares. While some of the better ones may provide stimulating educational and fun experiences, the children have far less flexibility than those who have a stay-at-home mom who is willing to cart them to activities.
I know many families, of course, and the children seem to be the ones generally choosing their own activities. The parents may wish for them to do certain things, and often their enthusiasm is infectious, but I've many times seen the children refuse and the parents sadly and futilely hope for them to change their minds.
Okay, they do have to go to school, and I do 'make' Alex learn piano, though I happen to know that he does enjoy it some and likes to show off a bit with it now. No, Alex isn't always keen on every little class or activity, but, generally speaking, his activities are his own and I try to instill structure and support.
I think that the concept of the imposing parent living vicariously on their kids' successes is really a vicious myth. The involved parents are the ones who have the successful kids. If they don't provide support (car rides, sign them up for things, etc), the kids can't as easily make it. If they don't provide structure (routines, 'force' them to follow through), the kids again won't often achieve a whole lot. As for the myth of being 'too driven', I observe that these kids also seem to have a lot more at-home down time, as they don't have to spend summers and evenings in structured day care situations. How sad when the parent who does all this is then accused of living 'vicariously', of imposing their wills and dreams on their kids, of 'living through' their kids. Of course, there are the sometimes incredibly guilt-ridden fabulous parents who lead busy career lives and hire nannies and such to provide all that structure and support...but then they are denied experiencing that parenting for themselves.
Okay, I'm going to include a caveat. There are lots of self-driven kids who manage to find their way to success through special classes at school, after-school activities, and local opportunities that they can involve themselves in without cost or travel (like church activities). And many working parents lovingly attempt to provide some choices and special activities, despite their busy schedules. Most parents are loving and do want the best for their kids.
There's a 'crux' issue that I still haven't really addressed. It's the big ole paycheck issue. There's this sense that at-home moms should be Martha Stewart or somehow otherwise justify their time. Any job with a paycheck meets this requirement, really. This sense is so pervasive that many people work jobs when they don't need to for the income, simply to feel their time is 'justified'. Heaven forbid we're seen as lazy!
Well, I do get it, but, again, when I worked full-time, things were not as good for my family. I'm now happier, I get time to myself, the kids get more opportunities and are happier...and I think Michael and I get along better. No, I'm not Martha Stewart. No, I don't provide exceptional routine and structure, and, yes, finances are sometimes tighter than perhaps they would be. I enjoy spending time with my kids, I enjoy having alone time, and I'm glad I'm not having to deal with a full-time job. Sometimes it takes guts to make our choices based on our own beliefs and values...and I don't think I could have done so without Michael's constant support.
All this said, I will feel so good if my books sell one day and I can claim I'm an honest-to-goodness published author! My self-esteem could still do with a nice, fat paycheck! Whether or not that happens is sort of superfluous, though, to being a mother to my children. I have only this one chance, and they're growing up fast. I want to experience it for me, and those vicarious vibes of love and pride are a true and fabulous source of parental joy. This parent plans to gobble, gorge, and gloat on her children's successes by experiencing and supporting them as fully as possible!
Okay, I'm going to include a caveat. There are lots of self-driven kids who manage to find their way to success through special classes at school, after-school activities, and local opportunities that they can involve themselves in without cost or travel (like church activities). And many working parents lovingly attempt to provide some choices and special activities, despite their busy schedules. Most parents are loving and do want the best for their kids.
There's a 'crux' issue that I still haven't really addressed. It's the big ole paycheck issue. There's this sense that at-home moms should be Martha Stewart or somehow otherwise justify their time. Any job with a paycheck meets this requirement, really. This sense is so pervasive that many people work jobs when they don't need to for the income, simply to feel their time is 'justified'. Heaven forbid we're seen as lazy!
Well, I do get it, but, again, when I worked full-time, things were not as good for my family. I'm now happier, I get time to myself, the kids get more opportunities and are happier...and I think Michael and I get along better. No, I'm not Martha Stewart. No, I don't provide exceptional routine and structure, and, yes, finances are sometimes tighter than perhaps they would be. I enjoy spending time with my kids, I enjoy having alone time, and I'm glad I'm not having to deal with a full-time job. Sometimes it takes guts to make our choices based on our own beliefs and values...and I don't think I could have done so without Michael's constant support.
All this said, I will feel so good if my books sell one day and I can claim I'm an honest-to-goodness published author! My self-esteem could still do with a nice, fat paycheck! Whether or not that happens is sort of superfluous, though, to being a mother to my children. I have only this one chance, and they're growing up fast. I want to experience it for me, and those vicarious vibes of love and pride are a true and fabulous source of parental joy. This parent plans to gobble, gorge, and gloat on her children's successes by experiencing and supporting them as fully as possible!
1 comment:
Hey, while you're writing your second novel, I could focus on the kids. Then when I write my second, you focus more on the kids. Maybe if we didn't write novels at the same time, that would be a better plan. What do you think?
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