Recluse on the town...

Whew... just got back from the big open house at Ellis, a little bit of shopping, and then dinner and a play!

Actually, everything after the open house was alright, but Ellis was packed to the gills. After seven consecutive years there, we have quite a huge number of folks to speak to and interact with at those sorts of functions...especially after being away from each other all summer.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Fiona played violin for the first hour in the main hallway, as her violin teacher was there to recruit new students. It was sort of exciting for her, as she helped liven the open house mood a bit, I think.

Okay, back to me! Basically, greeting and meeting folks for two solid hours was a bit overwhelming. Afterwards, I remarked to Michael, "I think I'm a bit of a recluse." He laughed and said, "Oh, honey, you were always a bit of a recluse, but you've become a full-blown one now!" Phooey...

Actually, even though the restaurant and theatre were full of people, I don't mind so much if I don't have to continually interact with a lot of them. We had dinner with Michael's family, who took the kids for the night. Afterwards, I remembered that Armstrong was holding a play tonight, and I suggested we just swing by to check it out on the way home. We luckily happened to be there in the nick of time, and we just made it into our seats as the play started.

It was Agatha Christie's The Mousetrap, a murder mystery. At intermission, I guessed the real murderer successfully. Okay, well...it was one option that I proposed. Michael gave me full credit, though I didn't really deserve it, as I'd offered more than one alternate scenario!

So fun...and only $10 apiece. It was a small production, but again, there's just somethin' special about live theatre...

Finding Balance

We watched Kronk's New Groove with the kids last night. After Kronk tells the kid holding up the sign saying 'GO TEIM' that there's no 'I' in 'team', Ms. Birdwell (Birdy-poo) says to Kronk, "But there's a 'you' in Euphoric" and he says back, "There's a 'me' in mediocre!" Such cute word plays...just love 'em.

Our family went to a memorial service for a local friend yesterday evening. She was a deep thinker, and she loved very serious writers. In comparison, I feel sort of frivolous and silly with my passion for kids' books and even kids' movies. Honestly, I haven't given Flannery O'Connor or Ernest Hemingway much of my time...any time, really. I think I read a little Hemingway for school, and I liked it fine, but that's it.

The service was held at a beautiful Methodist Church downtown. It was packed. The speakers were extremely thoughtful, and they struggled to be uplifting. While I didn't feel their portrayal of her was complete (not that I could be 'complete', as I wasn't extremely close to her), they were very sincere and heartfelt and actually did present many of her more inspirational qualities. A beautiful observation by one friend was that she was 'a barometer' for how all the people around them were doing emotionally.

Such a beautiful service, but I felt an annoyance again chiselling at me after I heard the umpteenth reference to her 'distinctive' laugh and suggestions of her perpetual optimistic outlook. I suppose it didn't feel true to me--though, again, I wasn't extremely close to her.

What I am wrestling with, I suppose, has to do with Truth and Balance and Managing in Life. This friend left behind a family...a husband and two young girls about 12 and 9. I suppose for them, it's best to lean towards 'Managing in Life'...and, while the memories seemed a bit skewed, to my knowledge they weren't completely untrue. I think those elements did exist in her personality, at least at times...(and what do I know, really? I'm just trying to process this reaction.)

It's continually on my mind how odd it is that each of us sees the world from a completely different vantage point. Such a strange and limited perspective...and I can only remark on the world from my own limited perspective, and yet I feel so strongly that my opinions and intuitions and observations are the right ones, just as we all do...

Anyhow, I suppose it's partly the irony that hits me. My intuition tells me that this friend, like me, dwelled in Seeking Truth Land more than in Managing in Life Realm. Not that we choose to, it's simply our natures--and the darker part of our natures in that this generally means wrestling with issues that bother us. Therefore, when her memorial service is more skewed towards Managing in Life, it particularly bothered me. However, she is gone and her family has been left to deal with her loss. They do need to Manage in Life, and if it's easier to do with a skewed perspective, then perhaps that is best--if they can actually limit their perspectives to that Realm.

My nature says what I seek is Truth, but must we always seek Truth and Perfection? For it doesn't exist, in reality, in any sort of pure form. Truth and Justice seem so urgent to me, and are so urgent (especially when considering the environment, human rights violations, etc...), but Basic Happiness is also important. We could all worry ourselves into oblivion, and that's a waste of a perfectly good life. Especially for us who have actually been fortunate enough to be handed extremely kind fates.

Besides, Truth is not only blatant injustices and complex, disturbing issues. It's the sweet hug of your daughter, the affectionate teasing of your son, and the thoughtful texts from your husband; it's the rush of endorphins after a workout, the sound of the birds singing, the feel of soothing water. Would that I focus on these Truths more and the disturbing ones less! Kindness and beauty surround us.

It's unrealistic for me to try to ignore the other Truths that shout at me to be noticed. Others may be more successful at that, and I have a little envy of their ability to just 'be happy'. However, as my best friend recently said she is trying to do, I will 'embrace my nature'. It's a gift to be intuitive and introspective and insightful, and I should be grateful and cherish these innate qualities.

However, I should also look to the wisdom of Managing in Life by seeking to focus on and honor the beauties and positive Truths of daily life. You know, I think that's actually why I enjoy the kids' movies and films so much. They can simplify, take out much of the complexity of life, and often present truths more clearly than you can get them out of realistic, more mature and complicated materials. There's not so much mucking up of the positive Truths. That, and I think bright, funny, comical materials like Sophie Kinsella's books help to balance me out a bit. I need those happy, positive, cheerful folks in my life!

Soul Sister!

I am euphoric at having recently patched things up with my kindred spirit and best friend for many, many years. It's a bit scary that we can fall out with those we care about most, and I am immensely grateful to have reestablished our rapport and friendship. Now, if I could only stop my temper from flaring from here on out!
Really, though, life is a bit of a roller coaster, and I suppose perhaps it's best sometimes not to over-analyze. Step back and enjoy the show!
(Right...as though I could leave it there! Learn from mistakes? Ideally, and occasionally, even... but we are so entrenched in our basic personalities! I will say, though, that my children are providing small objective experiences for me to experience a little of what I dish out at times. You often don't realize it's so annoying at all until you're in the other shoes! So maybe I will improve...a little!)

Cultural Literacy for kids

Despite the fact that we do not have cable, I was surprised to learn that my kids have a complete familiarity with all television shows Disney. An assurance for any parents who may be concerned that their kids need to be exposed to 'typical' kid stuff...like TV. My kids do not stay with other folks regularly. They spend the night with their cousins and grandparents a few times per year and sometimes go to their friends' homes. We allow kid channels, a good bit, when we're off at the resorts or hotels as a treat, especially since we're busy most of the day and it's not so much. However, the kids can explain the relationships of all the characters to me. Shows come on and they say, bored, "I've seen this one before. It's a re-run." Meanwhile, I've never heard of the show, as I don't generally watch the Disney channel even when given the golden opportunity.

So, I feel validated in my belief that we don't need to worry about providing pop culture to our kids--they're gonna get it anyway, to a certain extent (hopefully all safe and sound and ethical for, well, ever).

At one of our museum visits, I picked up a neat, fat little paperback called 'The Handy Book for Girls' from the 19th century. It's a treasure trove of cool activities, really! It's also written in a very enjoyable way, and the authors seem perfectly modern to me (though perhaps you're thinking it's the other way around and I should have lived in their era!). Amazing to imagine a time when they truly had no TV, no radio, no recorded music, no cars... Evenings of normal, healthy American girls were full of crafts and self-made games.

Anyhow, Fiona and I just completed one of the craft activities. Decorating eggs. Of course, she got distracted and ran off to play with her friend before finishing her egg, but she did the hair and drew the face on the egg with the pink bonnet.

St. Augustine: a Spanish colonial city

At Fort Marion, the oldest fort in the U.S., begun in 1600's.


Sheriff Alex caught that rascally Ona girl!


Defending her territory...

At Daytona Museum of Arts and Sciences,

Fiona was glued to this 'magical' harp in the kids' area.

For some reason, she's always wanted to play the harp, even dreaming about it!

The last two days have been spent in St. Augustine. I love that old city, which seems like a mix between Charleston and some Spanish town. It was actually Spanish longer than it has been American, and it was settled by a different bunch of people (lots of Spanish and Minorcans). Such an exotic history compared to most of the rest of the U.S.!
Not only that, but they present history from a different angle, as they point out that all of the Americas were originally claimed by Ponce de Leon as 'Florida', not just the current state. Did you know that Columbus never made it past the Caribbean? Ponce de Leon travelled with him on his second voyage in 1493 and stayed to conquer, eventually becoming governor of Puerto Rico. If I understand it correctly, legends of the Fountain of Youth (possibly concocted to get him to leave the Caribbean?) sent him over to what is now St. Augustine, FL, in 1513. The town of St. Augustine was begun in 1565 by Menendez, well before the British settlements at Plymouth Rock and such in the 1600's.
We actually paid real money to visit the 'real' Fountain of Youth, which is now pumped up from the Floridian aquifer...so basically tap water! It tasted like tap water, too! Alex actually bought a big wine-bottle full of the tap water, despite the fact that he knew it was tap water. He just loves the show, though, and wants to make a big deal out of it with his friends!
We stayed in a very modest little hotel, but it was clean and nice and right across from a very unpopulated, perfect beach. Sunday night had us out in the ocean at dark. Well, me out in the ocean at dark, with Michael worriedly scanning for signs of me the whole time! Fiona came out with me a little, and Alex mostly stuck to shore with his dad.
The first 30 minutes or so of being in the ocean alone, especially on an empty beach at night, is about as close as I get to that blissful meditative state of 'empty mind'. It is blissful, and one of my most favorite things in the whole world. Michael's never been comfortable with it. I felt a tad guilty that I pushed it past the 'blissful' point and stayed out there even when my mind had resumed preoccupied thoughts...but, of course, I was enjoying it and you have to get to that point before you can know the utterly blissful part is done! Oh, guilty because Michael is worried the whole time, though I'm nearly the opposite of worried. Is that true, though? The waves crash me off my feet repeatedly, and it's a bit thrilling, but not really worrisome, I guess!
During the day before the beach, we ate at a unique little place called the Love Tree Cafe. It's a little house that is a cafe/antique shop. Of course, when the kids were younger, it would have been a nightmare, since it's all so crowded and stuff is everywhere to grab! We loved the little crowded shop, which had lots of veggie items and freshly-made juices and all. The front yard features a huge live oak with a full-grown palm tree growing out of it. Legend has it (according to the t-shirts and ornaments) that if you kiss underneath the 'love tree' that your love will last forever. Michael and I kissed and bought one of the ornaments. Sweet little place :).
While we ate, Fiona said, "They have an inappropriate statue in here!" and pointed. I looked around, prepared to be scandalized and disapproving, to see a cast of Neptune (Poseidon) on a marble base. Totally nude, of course. I don't actually recognize him, it's just the Trident and dolphin at his foot that gave him away. I was so tickled, after all our Percy Jackson stories, that we bought the little statue, and I promised to fashion a little loincloth for him, so the kids were quite happy, too! So, of course I was even more happy to go visit the ocean that night!
On our way out of town, we stopped at a vegetarian restaurant called Present Moment Cafe (224 King St.) that Alex had looked up on-line, and we got more than we bargained for! Wow! It was a very posh little place with a nice ambience and all, but it was all based on raw foods. Completely vegan, no temps higher than 115 degrees or so, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free. Lots of work and thought went into the dishes, and I found them palatable, though I would have definitely preferred some cooking. Avocado, coconut, and nuts seem to form the heartier base of most of the dishes, but some were really interesting--like the sea glass noodles (a seaweed) that replaced the rice noodles in pad thai. We bought the dinner sampler, in which we chose three dinner entrees and a salad. Alex liked some of it, but Michael and Fiona didn't care for much. Michael liked a vichyssoise soup that was my least-favorite item (you didn't really cook the potatoes???). What a great experience! I was really impressed and I think I could learn to really love those foods, but my palate still craved the cooking, which I would never leave behind, as I adore (cooked!) soups and felt steaming some of the veggies would have made them tastier. I believe raw foods are a bit hard on the digestion, but we could probably all use a bit more of those 'living' foods in our diet. Check it out for the novelty of it if you're ever in St. Augustine, though, unless your palate is strictly SAD (standard American diet) or you're on a strict budget. The desserts were quite yummy, though I don't really know how they did that brownie with ice cream (cocoa, agave syrup, coconut had something to do with it)! We all approved!
　

Energy

I've been thinking about energy lately, and my relative lack of it. Always. No, I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with me, it's my genetic state. I'm pretty darn exuberant next to much of my family, but I have always needed a lot of sleep and down time relative to friends.

No point to this, except to say that I admire you amazing individuals who can go-go-go. I can 'go' for a couple of days, occasionally, but I blink in amazement at the folks who get back from a busy trip one day and jump straight into work, etc.--constantly!

I was chatting with a particularly energetic friend this past week. She has twin two-year-old girls. She takes them to the beach, then to the gym (where she works out while they're in daycare), then home for lunch and a nap. They then generally go to the pool in the afternoon. The thing is, she's also doing all the 'mom' things and keeping a clean house meanwhile. The girls go to a Montessori preschool two mornings per week--and does she recuperate during that time? Nope--she works part-time. What lucky little girls to have such an energetic mom!

When I was in JROTC camp for just a week after my junior year of high school, the camp counselors tortured us by waking us during the night to make us clean and such. I was miserable, mostly because of exhaustion. I started to fall asleep during classes and such by the end of the week, and my fellow campers commiserated with me. However, when we finally were allotted a two-hour break on the last day, all that I wanted to do was collapse in my bunk and sleep. My bunkmate, Samantha, a friend from school, had been through the same grueling week, and she was appalled at me. We finally had time for fun and I wanted to sleep? She had zero sympathy and actually kept me from sleeping--and I still remember and hold a grudge, 19 years later!

Samantha was a gorgeous, vibrant, energetic black girl that I really felt flattered and honored to befriend. I can honestly say that I could not keep up with her enthusiasm, energy, optimism, and generosity (except regarding my sleep needs!). We went shopping during that precious two hour time, and I know I was less than perfect company for her!

Anyhow, there are numerous, numerous examples of amazingly energetic folks out there who have earned my respect. Kudos to you all for having such energy!

There's a fantastic episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where a young psychiatrist-newly turned vampire psychoanalyzes Buffy before she stakes him. They periodically stopped fighting to chat, and the fighting was 'nothing personal', just the nature of things. In the episode, he surmises that Buffy has an inferiority complex about having a superiority complex. I just loved the whole thing.

Anyhow, I think I loved it partly because I identified a bit with it. I do have an incredibly high opinion of myself in so many ways, and I then feel a need to identify all those ways that I am not up-to-par. So, here's one. My energy levels are less-than-average. I did have a super-busy day yesterday again, but that's sporadic at best. I need lots of down time, and days like that make me realize how incredibly productive I'd be if I could keep going like that all the time--which just ain't gonna happen. You fabulous people who can keep going and get a zillion things done, every single day, can justifiably feel proud and, if necessary, rub my nose in it when I'm getting too uppity.

Hope you have a wonderful, productive day!

Eco-friendly lawnmower

I'm still a bit nervous about it, but our trial run last night with the new lawnmower was too fantastic. It's a 'reel' lawnmower, which is completely man-powered, or child-powered, as last night proved! The thing was easier to push than our old gas-powered lawnmower, and Fiona happily ran with it over the grass. It was so fun to see the little grass clippings feeding from the blades, as they're open to view. The mower is very quiet, with just a constant 'swish' noise, sort of like scissors (as one reviewer commented, 'sounds like Edward Scissorhands').

Despite the initial impression, I'm still dubious, and of course wondering if the thing will stay in easy-to-operate mode. Also, there's no reverse operation, only forward. The blades stop when you pull it back, which is probably a safety thing.

As green as my inclinations are, I've seen too many impossibly dysfunctional products and listened to far too many 'green' opinions--like the idea that stains on our clothes are okay. No, they're not! Okay, that's a digression. So, even though I am theoretically green, practicality comes first in my life. But I have to say that this little lawnmower that Michael talked me into seems completely fabulous. No gas, no noise, no pollution...more compact, easy to push, and cheaper! Oh, it's a Scott's 20" reel lawnmower. Let us state for the record that Alex promised to always cut our grass if we'd get the green machine (though he's never, ever cut grass before!). We'll see!

Gobble and Gloat!

Mothering or Living Vicariously? Touchy subject.

The other day, we met a mother and her two daughters (exactly Fiona and Alex's ages) at a library function. Oh, they were adorable...all blonde hair and blue eyes, cute as could be. They all three sparkled with intelligence and enthusiasm. The mother shared with me that she is about to attempt homeschooling for the first time ever. She's really excited about it, but she quickly clarified that she was surprising friends and even herself, because she's never been a person to live through her kids. Of course, now, that would be absolutely pathetic!

Yesterday, while having coffee with my future sister-in-law, I related that I was thinking of not renewing my massage malpractice, as I don't really think that I want to do that anymore. She asked, "What will you do?", and I was relieved to be able to say that I was planning to write a second novel this fall. As if being a mom and homemaker are not enough! Well, in my case, homemaking skills are rather dubious, but still!

You know, though, the kids are not happy about my writing. Fiona made me swear that I wouldn't write a novel this summer, and, when I told them I was planning another book for the fall, Alex moaned, "Aww...we never get to do anything when you're writing!" They're right...things are not as good for them when I'm working or writing. I am completely content in my writing bouts, though, as I think it's good for them not to see themselves as the absolute center of my universe 100% of the time...especially since the bouts are temporary blips. Oh, and I'm content because I want to do it for me, and it's true that I don't spend 100% of my time focused on them. (I'm okay with saying that, but is it really an attribute?)

Why is it that we see mothering and homemaking as less than optimal? Is our world-view so egocentric that each person needs to 'prove' him or herself with a paycheck or productive end product? Oh, and is it politically incorrect to actually view your own kids as the ultimate end product? Of course, in my case, the kids are at school during the day in the school year, so I feasibly do have some time to 'work'. However, how great would it be if I were an incredibly industrious mother who prepared fantastic meals and cleaned the home thoroughly, gardened and sewed and all such? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had such fabulous mothers?

No, I'm not that mother, but I find it sad that I want to be able to claim 'work' in order to justify my time. Making the home nice and planning education and activities for the kids are not only admirable, but optimal!

And...even as pitiful as my cleaning might be, it's still a sight better than when I worked. When I worked, I was generally tired and snappish at the kids, but I almost never felt judgment about my less-than-optimal parenting coming from others. In fact, the kids' lovely daycare would have 'Mom appreciation' breakfasts and crafts, which were incredibly sweet (and I wholeheartedly approve!).
Anyhow, this is not meant as a criticism of mothers' working, just as a remark on the sadness of our disapproval of the stay-at-home-mom. When your child does something well, shouldn't your eyes shine with pride? When he or she masters a new skill or discovers a new interest, shouldn't we be avid supporters? There seems to be an inference that somehow we're going to 'squelch' them by imposing our own interests, but my experience is that kids of busy parents don't get as much of a chance to explore their own interests. They're kept 'busy' and 'occupied' by daycares. While some of the better ones may provide stimulating educational and fun experiences, the children have far less flexibility than those who have a stay-at-home mom who is willing to cart them to activities.

I know many families, of course, and the children seem to be the ones generally choosing their own activities. The parents may wish for them to do certain things, and often their enthusiasm is infectious, but I've many times seen the children refuse and the parents sadly and futilely hope for them to change their minds.

Okay, they do have to go to school, and I do 'make' Alex learn piano, though I happen to know that he does enjoy it some and likes to show off a bit with it now. No, Alex isn't always keen on every little class or activity, but, generally speaking, his activities are his own and I try to instill structure and support.

I think that the concept of the imposing parent living vicariously on their kids' successes is really a vicious myth. The involved parents are the ones who have the successful kids. If they don't provide support (car rides, sign them up for things, etc), the kids can't as easily make it. If they don't provide structure (routines, 'force' them to follow through), the kids again won't often achieve a whole lot. As for the myth of being 'too driven', I observe that these kids also seem to have a lot more at-home down time, as they don't have to spend summers and evenings in structured day care situations. How sad when the parent who does all this is then accused of living 'vicariously', of imposing their wills and dreams on their kids, of 'living through' their kids. Of course, there are the sometimes incredibly guilt-ridden fabulous parents who lead busy career lives and hire nannies and such to provide all that structure and support...but then they are denied experiencing that parenting for themselves.
Okay, I'm going to include a caveat. There are lots of self-driven kids who manage to find their way to success through special classes at school, after-school activities, and local opportunities that they can involve themselves in without cost or travel (like church activities). And many working parents lovingly attempt to provide some choices and special activities, despite their busy schedules. Most parents are loving and do want the best for their kids.

There's a 'crux' issue that I still haven't really addressed. It's the big ole paycheck issue. There's this sense that at-home moms should be Martha Stewart or somehow otherwise justify their time. Any job with a paycheck meets this requirement, really. This sense is so pervasive that many people work jobs when they don't need to for the income, simply to feel their time is 'justified'. Heaven forbid we're seen as lazy!
Well, I do get it, but, again, when I worked full-time, things were not as good for my family. I'm now happier, I get time to myself, the kids get more opportunities and are happier...and I think Michael and I get along better. No, I'm not Martha Stewart. No, I don't provide exceptional routine and structure, and, yes, finances are sometimes tighter than perhaps they would be. I enjoy spending time with my kids, I enjoy having alone time, and I'm glad I'm not having to deal with a full-time job. Sometimes it takes guts to make our choices based on our own beliefs and values...and I don't think I could have done so without Michael's constant support.

All this said, I will feel so good if my books sell one day and I can claim I'm an honest-to-goodness published author! My self-esteem could still do with a nice, fat paycheck! Whether or not that happens is sort of superfluous, though, to being a mother to my children. I have only this one chance, and they're growing up fast. I want to experience it for me, and those vicarious vibes of love and pride are a true and fabulous source of parental joy. This parent plans to gobble, gorge, and gloat on her children's successes by experiencing and supporting them as fully as possible!