Oh my goodness, I just looked back through some posts and saw that I finished the Homespun rough draft nearly a year ago. Whew...big breaths.
With all my issues, I've been literally unable to work on it consistently, and I'm still not thrilled yet...too much darkness, in my opinion, in the first half especially. And books are for the readers, right? Okay, so some folks don't mind prolonged dark writing, but I've never particularly cared for horror stories or constant drama. I need humor and lightness, and I've adjusted it a bit--I'd particularly like to add one chapter.
The truth? I've been 'banned' from working on it by my well-meaning advisers. Michael, Laura (my editor and BFF), and my sis all know what I'm going through, and they want me to avoid triggers--which, unfortunately, includes all the fun things--my intense music, my intense stories--be they movies, novels, or my own writing, and, most difficult of all, alone time. They say, and I'm hoping desperately, that this is just temporarily, until I'm back to close-to-normal. And I'm writing my blog now, aren't I? That shows some improvement again, I hope.
To tell the truth, I think it'll be a process of 'let's just see how it goes'. Baby-steps, you know. Like trying to work on my novel while hanging out at Michael's office, so I'm not alone. No, I can't focus or relax like at home, but there's a safety net, since most of my troubles were at their peak when I was alone. And few people like their alone-time as much as I do. Sigh. Ironic, isn't it?
Things have been so extreme, though. If I could just focus for a couple of weeks, Homespun should be ready enough for publication. Ideally, at least a month or two for optimal adjustments, but my standards aren't incredibly high at the moment. I'm just desperate to finish my trilogy. Even if all the other books (I have another series in mind that I've begun two books around) never are completed, I feel impelled to complete my trilogy. I'm like " that close. Sort of like breaking your leg right before black belt testing in taekwondo, you know--my knee went out just after, but at least I got that belt. I want to finish my trilogy, which definitely involves more editing. I can't just publish a rough draft. I'd be ashamed.
AND I am excited about a whole different series, which I've been ripped apart from with this illness. So hopefully Homespun isn't the end of my writing 'career'. My writing-heart has moved on to another space, but Homespun needs completion, and I'll feel so much better getting it out there, finally published. Just e-published, you know, nothing fancy. But out there and complete. If nothing else, maybe of interest to my grandkids and great-grandkids and all that, you know? Wouldn't that be fun to read your ggg-grandparent's novel (or, even better, trilogy)? I think so :).
Okay, I've gotten myself all pumped up. I think I will take my laptop into Michael's office this week and see if I can edit a bit. Send me good wishes, please, and even pray for me, if that's your thing and you're comfortable with it. Yes, this person right here has been doing that a bit. I'm ashamed it's not regularly and it's quite selfish, and I hate to 'put God in a box' or act like he's 'on call', but hopefully I'm forgiven as I asked for forgiveness as I prayed. Life is too confusing and too hard sometimes, isn't it?
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Roller Coaster Life
I sounded so certain, didn't I? In my last post, that is.
Well, turns out that I had some shocks in store for me on the mental health front. And, although we were already technically divorced (less than a week), I became completely incapacitated and needed round-the-clock care. I never imagined anything like that could or would happen to me. Despite everything, Michael came through for me and has been tending me every second that he can, determined that I wouldn't be put into some in-patient facility. Mom and Stephenie, my sis, have also helped take care of me, but it's been Michael round-the-clock, as much as he's able while still working.
Marital status? As far as I'm concerned, we still feel married. If I needed proof that he loves me, I think that's been given. Of course, our old problems aren't going to magically disappear, and I see bits of them cropping up already as I am improving. I suppose maybe counseling will help, but I'm enmeshed in my own extreme problems at the moment, and he's still my bouey.
Sigh. Our relationship has had so many ups and downs, and I was tired of that. Tired of the kids being exposed to that. But maybe my treatment--which includes a deluge of prescription drugs for the first time ever in my life--may help, I hope.
We're engaged for now. I worry about the future--whether to rush into getting married again right away. I mean, we're living as a married couple still/again. It seems right to 'fix' the paperwork end of things, but the divorce wasn't just willy-nilly, and I wonder if we should wait until I'm not quite so desperately helpless. He wonders that, actually, to my surprise. Imagine that? He doesn't like not getting along, either.
But perhaps my mental health issues are a part of the root of the whole problem. :( I'm still not certain about anything, but I am extremely grateful to Michael and my family for helping me through this excruciating time in my life. And, if he'll have me, I do plan and hope to work things out with Michael. We've talked about getting re-married on our 20th anniversary, as in 'renewal of vows', but we'll see. I'm not particularly sentimental, so if Michael's not quite ready by then, I'm okay with that. He's been my hero through this, and, if there is such a thing as a silver lining to that dark, dark cloud, it's that he's proved that he cares for me and will push himself through exhaustion and weariness to help me. It might seem silly to sound surprised, but the degree of his care has blown me away. I'm not sure I would do that, even if I were able to--which I'm not.
So that's the update on our relationship status, and I'm afraid I have to retract that whole 'great guy on the market', because he's not. I've got him rather busy for now, and we're engaged again, so apologies for my roller-coaster posts. I did mean it, but I'm crazy (they won't let me say that, but we all think it).
Hopefully things will get better, and the roller-coaster ride will level out. They make me a bit ill, as in actual motion sickness, and it's time to get off that ride--but it looks like we'll be doing it together, to my surprise.
Well, turns out that I had some shocks in store for me on the mental health front. And, although we were already technically divorced (less than a week), I became completely incapacitated and needed round-the-clock care. I never imagined anything like that could or would happen to me. Despite everything, Michael came through for me and has been tending me every second that he can, determined that I wouldn't be put into some in-patient facility. Mom and Stephenie, my sis, have also helped take care of me, but it's been Michael round-the-clock, as much as he's able while still working.
Marital status? As far as I'm concerned, we still feel married. If I needed proof that he loves me, I think that's been given. Of course, our old problems aren't going to magically disappear, and I see bits of them cropping up already as I am improving. I suppose maybe counseling will help, but I'm enmeshed in my own extreme problems at the moment, and he's still my bouey.
Sigh. Our relationship has had so many ups and downs, and I was tired of that. Tired of the kids being exposed to that. But maybe my treatment--which includes a deluge of prescription drugs for the first time ever in my life--may help, I hope.
We're engaged for now. I worry about the future--whether to rush into getting married again right away. I mean, we're living as a married couple still/again. It seems right to 'fix' the paperwork end of things, but the divorce wasn't just willy-nilly, and I wonder if we should wait until I'm not quite so desperately helpless. He wonders that, actually, to my surprise. Imagine that? He doesn't like not getting along, either.
But perhaps my mental health issues are a part of the root of the whole problem. :( I'm still not certain about anything, but I am extremely grateful to Michael and my family for helping me through this excruciating time in my life. And, if he'll have me, I do plan and hope to work things out with Michael. We've talked about getting re-married on our 20th anniversary, as in 'renewal of vows', but we'll see. I'm not particularly sentimental, so if Michael's not quite ready by then, I'm okay with that. He's been my hero through this, and, if there is such a thing as a silver lining to that dark, dark cloud, it's that he's proved that he cares for me and will push himself through exhaustion and weariness to help me. It might seem silly to sound surprised, but the degree of his care has blown me away. I'm not sure I would do that, even if I were able to--which I'm not.
So that's the update on our relationship status, and I'm afraid I have to retract that whole 'great guy on the market', because he's not. I've got him rather busy for now, and we're engaged again, so apologies for my roller-coaster posts. I did mean it, but I'm crazy (they won't let me say that, but we all think it).
Hopefully things will get better, and the roller-coaster ride will level out. They make me a bit ill, as in actual motion sickness, and it's time to get off that ride--but it looks like we'll be doing it together, to my surprise.
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