See that cute guy on the left there? The one holding the bunny rabbit? He's soon to be on the market. A bit hard to believe... Oh, and I guess I'll probably be taking down that pic at some point, though it is a great one.
Gosh, what is there to say? I actually think it's been quite a long process for me, so I'm alright, but it's all a bit surreal, I suppose. Of course I still love Michael. He's as near and dear to me as practically anyone. And that whole romantic notion of 'in love' seems a bit surreal as well...
We've been together over twenty years--married for nineteen. In a strange way, I think I didn't want to hit that twentieth anniversary. It would call for a big celebration, you know? And I'm not one to fake anything. It's not fair to Michael, and it's not honest.
No, the divorce is not at all official yet. We're in the process of filing, and I suppose I'm in the process of processing.
Happily, I have to say we're getting along more smoothly these days. It's taken the wind out of personal little issues that aren't really pertinent anymore, since we're not so intimately accountable to one another. And that makes it easier on the kids, I think, since they've witnessed more contention than I care to remember. I'm just grateful that Michael and I are operating on the same page, roughly, these days and both want things to be as smooth as possible for them.
Fiona did initially have some trouble, but she seems to be coping well now.
What else? I suppose there are the big questions about the future--what it holds, what to expect, how we'll manage. And I don't know the answers to those questions. It's a little scary--and a little bit of an adventure, hopefully. We'll feel our way through it and hopefully use some sense in the process.
And, like I said, Michael's quite free here soon. And there are reasons that we stayed married for so long...so a gal could do a lot worse. If I were to solely list his attributes, you'd think he was heaven on earth, and I'm tempted to do so--but I don't feel right about blasting him here, so I know that would be a skewed presentation! However, we all have our faults, and I'm sure he could go on about mine ad nauseum. He surely knows them inside and out, as he's put up with me for far too long. I'm not sure we bring out the best in each other :(. But he's a sweetie and will always be my friend, I hope--so I really hope he ends up with a fabulous gal that I enjoy chatting with and is a great co-co-parent for my kiddos, when he's got them.
Oh, but no 'mama', okay? I'm drawing the line at that one! Apparently it's a common thing to call the step-parent 'Mom' or 'Dad', and that just kills me. I never could bring myself to call anyone besides my own parents 'Mom' and 'Dad', so I just can't imagine my kids doing that. It'd be like a knife to the heart to hear that! On the other hand, it does seem like the step-parent deserves some special name. I mean, aunts and uncles and grandparents all get special names, and a step-parent really should have one. Just NOT the same one as the parents. Perhaps I should explore some foreign language names for 'Mom'. I could probably bear some variant like 'Mimi' or something (think that's a grandma, though). We'll have to think about it.
My friends are probably less surprised by this than I am. It's not the strangest thing in the world--just the complete upheaval of our lives. That's all. Alright, not complete...thank goodness the kids are not dealing with a big move and all that. And it's probably far smoother for us than many folks. But it's certainly got my world shaken. And things haven't settled down yet, at all. I imagine that'll take a while--but maybe the truth of that is more that things are 'shaken up' because I'm not sure what to expect day in and day out for the rest of my days (or as long as 'we both shall live'). And I don't think my future has ever had that context for me...that quality of being 'open', you know? I'm a planner, and I've always been a planner. And now I'm not sure what the heck to put on my agenda!
Is that why I'm ready to plan Michael's wedding for him? Not quite up to my own that way, but wanting to arrange at least one of our futures? Hmm, I suppose I'd best be careful, as he very well might let me. I think he's used to security, too. But, that said, any fantastic ladies looking for a pretty sweet guy might want to check him out :)...and I'll help plan the wedding, if you like!
