Encouraging Effort

I read a great article the other day. Sometimes, despite feeling that we've exhausted a subject and are just tweaking the details, we are surprised with information that vastly changes how we approach a particular area of our lives--parenting, in this case. Maybe VASTLY is too strong a word, but it's definitely a paradigm shift!
The point of the article is that studies have shown that praising EFFORT is the way to go with our kids. If we focus on a child's effort, then she takes pride in making great effort and will be less daunted by failure, knowing that she still put forth effort. Encouraging effort leads to the child applying more effort and being willing to face more difficult challenges.
This may sound like common sense, but it is easy to fall into another easy 'common sense' mode of parenting, and I'm afraid that I'm guilty of the latter. Not that there's anything wrong with an occasional word of sheer praise about our child's giftedness, but apparently continual praise of a child's innate abilities and gifts makes them complacent and less willing to apply effort. In fact, they fear any challenging activity, as it may prove that they aren't as smart or athletic or whatever as we believe. They also have a sense that these subjects should feel effortless, if they're so 'good' at them!
The article gave an example of a young boy who was continually praised for being a genius, and rightly so, as he scored in the top 1% of the top 1% on standardized aptitude exams. Surprisingly, he seemed to be completely lacking in ambition and shied away from more difficult subjects. For example, he wouldn't attempt cursive until the third grade and then only with much pressure.
This illustration hit home with me. My oh-so-smart Alex has always been told how brilliant he is. His math abilities were phenomenal when he was tiny...pre-algebra was a piece of cake! When I sent him to Montessori school, I was surprised that he continually did not want to try activities. He refused to do art, and he raved about a manipulative called 'Color Box 1' so much that I visited the classroom to see it, thinking perhaps I'd buy him one for Christmas. I was amazed to find that Color Box 1 was actually just a panel of primary colors, and all he had to do was identify the colors. We're talking red, yellow, and blue. I was rather stunned and quite disappointed. What was the appeal of that? Now I think it was that he could quickly and perfectly finish this activity. No learning was involved, but his feelings of adequacy were not jeopardized by this activity.
So, when I read that article, this really hit home. I haven't praised Alex for his efforts much. In fact, I probably complained that he doesn't try hard enough. I have slathered on the praise about his 'giftedness', though in the past couple of years I have teased him quite a bit that he hit his head too many times and isn't as smart as he used to be! I really haven't loaded on the praise about his giftedness nearly as much, and I even tease him that the school placed him in the wrong special ed class! This is all said in total jest, and he gets it, but perhaps it's taken the pressure off a bit. He does seem to be doing better now and has less fear. I'm glad to have read this article now, as it really sheds light on our past and gives more direction to my parenting efforts in the future.
In contrast to Alex's upbringing, there's always been a tacit implication that Fiona is not necessarily quite as 'gifted' as him, especially mathematically. I have felt terrible about implying this, but I'm pretty sure it's a given in how we've communicated. However, it didn't seem to slow her down, and she's always generally put out a lot of effort and hasn't seemed afraid of failure.
Recently, though, I've been feeling frustrated when dealing with her activities, and I have wondered why she doesn't seem to be trying as much as she used to. I know she has the innate ability, and I keep telling her that. Now, I realize perhaps this was hurting more than helping, as she feels that since she has the 'innate' ability, that it should come naturally and effortlessly. I only read the article within the past week, but both Michael and I have tried to shift to applying praise about the EFFORT put forth by both of them, in order to encourage it. Fiona seems to thrive on that, and tonight she whizzed through her instrument practicing, even playing extra times and declaring that from now on she's going to focus just that much!
For the past couple of days, I have tried to be specific with praise, as in, "I like how you only paused for a moment before practicing that song immediately again. That saves so much time!"
and "I like how you seem to be paying attention to keeping a steady rhythm." I'm still struggling with keeping a distinction between innate abilities and effort, though. It's so easy to slip into, "you're so great at keeping a tempo!", which, I suppose, could make her nervous about trying a song with a difficult rhythm, whereas if I praise how focused she is on TRYING to keep a tempo, she may WANT to try a difficult rhythm to see if she can do it! Complicated, but perhaps important.
Moral of the story...praise effort in lieu of innate ability!